Please Think Before You Ask

Sometimes I think I do my best thinking when I'm half asleep...trying to get to the point of all the way asleep. Most nights that doesn't work out the way I'd like it to. Maybe I only think it is my best thinking because I am half asleep and I really don't know what I'm really thinking anyway.

When I started this blog it was for a couple different reasons, but mostly just to give me an out to talk about what I wanted to talk about without worrying if people wanted to hear it. At any moment one can stop reading a post and really I'd never even know it. No feelings hurt, no harm done. I still get things off my mind and that really is the main reason for doing this. There is however one specific topic that I've resolved never to speak of directly. I will never write about specific dates or specific men (until the moment of engagement). You'd have to be very close to me to know what is going on in that part of my life. (Even my parents won't likely know either until the day that I'm engaged. In that case, if he does it right, my father should know before I do. Now, now...sit down Mom and Dad...I'm not "dating" anyone so don't reserve the temple yet.) I do however feel the need to talk about dating in general. If this is of no interest to you, this may be a good point to stop reading. Who am I kidding? ...This is a good point to stop reading no matter what! I also seem to open up more when I'm tired...which at this moment I definitely am.

Dating is a tricky thing. I'm old enough you'd think I'd have it figured out by now. I actually think that for the most part dating sucks. It is really more stress than I'd like to deal with at times. I think I have a knack for being interested in men that aren't interested in me and not interested in the ones that are. For the most part I think that is a blessing. If you know me well enough, you know the reason why. If you don't know, then get to know me better one-on-one and you'll likely find out if you ask. Some things are better not to put on the Internet.

I have found that as I get older I'm more particular on what I'm willing, or not willing, to put up with or deal with. You may call that picky...I call it learning from other people's mistakes. Just because Jane got burned putting her hand on the fire, does not mean that Nilda needs to do the same. And, just because John fell off a cliff because he didn't read the warning sign certainly doesn't mean that I should ignore the warning signs myself. Since when did people decide that not learning from other's mistakes in the same or similar circumstances was acceptable? Again, good time to stop.

I do get a bit annoyed when people ask questions like, "Why aren't you married?" Well, let's see...because I haven't managed to find a man that I loved that loved me that I felt right about marrying. Period. Doesn't seem like any moving reason does it?! I would bet that everyone out there that is married or ever was married, was in love with someone that was in love with them at the same time (or at least I hope so). I'd also bet that both people were interested in marrying that same person that they were in love with and then and only then got married. So, why is it so hard to see and understand that not everyone has had THAT experience in their life?! I think that sometimes people want me to say, "Well I found the perfect man. I fell in love with him and he loves me too. We have so much in common and can't stand to be apart. We can see that our lives would be good together. We have prayed about it and both received a witness that we should be married. BUT...I just decided that being single, living alone, working hard and not having children is...what, fun?!"

Or my another favorite, "Are you just being too picky?" Really people, think about this. Are you married? Weren't you picky? I surely hope so! I certainly hope that you didn't just pick the first suitor that showed interest just because you felt the need to be married. And if you did, that was your choice and I hope it ended up working out for you. That is not however the way that I plan to roll the dice of eternity. I have very few deal breakers on the list in my head. It has been at least 8 years since I wrote any sort of list down. I may even laugh if I saw it now. If you'd met Mr. Wrong or Mr. Wrong Again, you would be wondering why I wasn't MORE picky!!! In the end, the deal breakers really don't matter. I only have one thing that I need...NO DOUBT!

Now don't get me wrong. I have NOTHING against marriage. I pray every day that I'll have that opportunity and that blessing in my life soon (though 15 years of "soon" makes me wonder what size of clock I'm suppose to be looking at). However, it DOES NOT DEFINE ME as a person. It never will. If you think I'm wrong that it doesn't, then I think you have it all wrong yourself and should try to look at it from the another side, maybe even mine. I am happy. I am blessed. I have everything I want in life except for one thing! Can you say that? I have not done anything wrong that prevents me from deserving of the greatest blessing in this life. However, believe it or not, it isn't all under my control. We all have agency. Neither I, nor anyone else, can force someone to love someone else. Nor would I want them to be!!! I love my agency, therefore I love the agency that all are allowed. Most of the time I feel like agency is the greatest gift we were given. Yes, there is the Atonement and the Gospel and so many other things, but agency gives us the right to choose. Choose good, evil, right, wrong, to change, to grow, to learn, to forgive, to love, to laugh, to... I could go on and on. Isn't agency wonderful? I love my agency! I will be so much more grateful when I use my agency to choose the same man that uses his agency to choose me!

A little deeper look. I've been in love 1 1/2 times in my life. I used to say 2...though I'm sure the 2nd time I was in love with the thought of being in love again. I don't think that is so bad for my age. I've actually never said "I love you" to anyone. Wrong? Not sure, maybe in the first instance it would have been appropriate, though at this point I'm just sure glad I didn't. Maybe when I have the guts to say it, it'll be right. I certainly don't have a problem telling my family and friends that I love them. I would like to briefly touch on those chapters of my life. The 1st was real and deep. I thought he was the one I'd spend my life and eternity with. Let's call him Mr. Wrong. Mr. Wrong was charming and spiritual, fun and stable, had a good family and we had a ton of fun together. I could see no reason why we would not be happy. However, Mr. Wrong was a bit, okay, so more than a bit, afraid of commitment. He was very much the come here, come here, come here, go away, go away, go away kind of guy. If he stuck to the go away part, I'd had never fallen, but he soon came running back and begging me to come here, yet once again. Talk about a yo yo relationship. I kept feeling like if I was patient that it would all work out. When this didn't work out, I tore my life apart. It hurt to the core. I think this was one of the few times in my life, for at least a couple months, that I was bitter towards someone specific. I wanted him to hurt like I hurt. Though it took me a long time to get over him and understand the "why" it was amazing how grateful I was once I was able to remove myself from the situation and most importantly, the feelings and feel the "why" to the very core that used to be hurt. It did "all work out". Just not in the way I thought it would. Years later, and many experiences later, I see more and more and more why it simply couldn't have worked out. I've felt blessed every day for 6 1/2 years that I was wrong! More than some times I thank God for that unanswered prayer!

That brings me to #2 or #1/2, whatever you want to call it. He was everything that I thought Mr. Wrong was lacking, or at least I thought so in the beginning. We had fun and we had a lot in common. He however sucked in a crisis. Or maybe he just sucked in a crisis with me. I know this because I've experienced it first hand. Far be it to show concern because that actually may show you care. We certainly wouldn't want that! I now know that I got caught up in the idea of love and associated him with it. Let's call him Mr. Wrong Again. Again as I was able to remove myself from the situation and the feelings, it all became much clearer. Logically it just didn't make sense to think I was in love with him. I loved certain things about him and certainly him as a person, but I wasn't "in love" with him. I didn't even like him in certain ways and that wouldn't help a marriage. I again was grateful for being wrong! Another unanswered prayer that I was grateful for.

So someday I hope I get it right. What would it be like to fall in love with someone that fell in love with me? What would it be like to love someone so much that life could not exist without them in it? What would it be like to have "NO DOUBT" in knowing that was who I SHOULD marry? I'll have that, I've been promised. I am so grateful for that. My only real deal breaker...that I don't have the "NO DOUBT" confirmation that is required. I've been wrong twice. I certainly don't want to be again. I guess I could call him Mr. Wrong Yet Again? I hope I never have to find out.

So what makes someone fall in love? Better yet, what holds someone back from falling in love? If you've managed to get this far, I'd love to hear what you think. Or at least I think, at 2:45 in the morning, that I want to know what you think ;). I give you permission to give it back to me...if you did indeed make it through this very LONG post.