For the Love of All Things Hiking

I've been so far behind on blogging. There has been so much going on in my life in the past year, yet not, all at the same time. There were things that I didn't want to talk about at the time, that now I should talk about, it'd be therapeutic. Then there were things I've always wanted to post, but didn't because I was behind and wanted to post other things first. Well, I've come to the decision that I'm never going to catch up if I don't just start where I am. There are posts that I've started and never finished and published. Because this blog is mainly for me and to help me keep track of my life, I suppose it really doesn't matter if I publish things that are old and nobody will see. For those of you that do want to see, it could be a little bit of a mystery and you can go fishing for the stories you've never read.

Like many things Nilda, I'm probably a bit too open and honest. You can stop reading at any time =). Don't you just love agency?!

This morning was another interesting morning for me. It got me to thinking that maybe I should write it down. Maybe it'd make more sense to me, maybe not. For anyone that has known me in the last 7 years you've probably thought of my love for hiking. I had done less hikes in my previous years of life than I did in my first year of living in Arizona. In 2001 I flew to Phoenix to do Havasupai with my family that lived here. I loved Havasupai. The hiking part was okay, but there are no "real" mountains in the city in Great Falls, MT and so a treadmill was what I used to get prepared (very different than hiking). Then I moved here in August of 2001 and my real love for hiking all started with my Uncle Delwyn preparing for doing Rim to Rim to Rim of the Grand Canyon and inviting me to go hiking with him in case I liked it enough to train to do the Grand Canyon with them (a group that did it pretty much every October). My first Arizona hike as a resident was Shaw Butte off 15th Ave and Peoria. We went up, over and down the other side and back up, over and down to our car. While it was hard (because I'd never "really" hiked before other than Havasupai, I enjoyed it. I also enjoyed spending time with my uncle and I was able to get to know him better. I spent a lot of time hiking in the next year.

In October of 2002 I did the South Rim to the North Rim for the first time. I didn't come back to the South Rim via hike due to the 16 lovely blisters I'd accumulated the first 21 miles. My hips didn't like me very much either. In years since I've learned that my feet are soft, get hot while exercising and are prone to blisters. I've tried many, many things and purchased many, many different shoes and boots and while I've learned to reduce them, I rarely do a big hike without at least a few. It is what it is.

In the years after that hiking became my love. It was probably part of why I no longer "hated" Arizona. I give hiking credit for making me enjoy this state at all (other than my wonderful aunt, uncle and cousins). For they have mountains in the city. Who would have thought that? Some of our "mountains" are shorter than the "hills" in Montana, but they still provide a lovely form of exercise. Who would have thought Phoenicians would hike more than Montanans? It just doesn't make sense. I used to hike North Moutain and Squaw Peak regularly with my friend Roxanne. We did Camelback once in awhile, though it was more like "climbing" than actual hiking. I learned from Uncle Delwyn that Mt. Ord, by Payson, is a great hike for training in elevation and getting some good distance. I've even done it a few times by myself because I have cell signal almost the whole way and when I couldn't find a partner I'd call and check in with Laura every hour so she knew I was alive and hadn't been kidnapped =). Seriously. Most days, when it wasn't over 90 degrees and it was actually light after work, I'd be found on a mountain. Any mountain.

In December of 2004 I did Rim to Phantom Ranch with some friends and new friends (I'd never met before then) and we stayed a few nights and then hiked back out. I LOVED IT! Who knew hiking in the Grand Canyon could be cool (temperature). I think this was my perfect Grand Canyon hike.

In the summer of 2006 I went to Glacier National Park (which used to be only a few hours away) with my sister and a couple friends. That was a dream trip that I hope to do again someday. Why when things are so close do we take them for granted?

In 2007 I did North Rim to South Rim with a friends family. It was the middle of May and my biggest worry was my ankle holding up. I'd torn every ligament in my right ankle playing basketball in March of 2006. It was a "freak" accident and the doctors were surprised by all the damage. I had gone through 3 months in a boot, 7 months of physical therapy and surgery clean up the scar tissue to lesson the pain. The ankle did okay. What didn't do okay was my body. At 100 degrees at the bottom and little shade coming up the South Rim, I ended up having heat stroke, then heat exhaustion after we left Phantom Ranch. That story is long and is a story for another day. It was more than miserable hiking out.

In 2008 I opted not to do Rim to Rim because it again was mid-May and it wasn't worth the risk. My body had never handled heat the same way again.

In September 2008 I flew to Colorado to hike Long's Peak (14'er) with my brother Karlen.

In 2009 Perkins decided to do Rim to River to Rim instead and again invited me along. I'm sure now they wonder what they were thinking after the last experience, but they did. It was not a good experience. While we did it in late April and it was cooler, it was not fun. I remember thinking many times, "why did I put myself down here again?", "I am NEVER going to do this again!". I kept wondering, "why is this so hard? I've trained, I'm prepared, why do I feel like this?" In the upcoming weeks and months we would have that answer. If you're reading this and don't know that answer, you'll have to wait for that story for another time. That was the beginning of the end of blogging and it is too long of a story for me to write at this moment. It will come.

I'd planned a group trip to Havasupai in 2003 (or maybe it was 2004), 2005, 2007, 2008 and 2009. Some of my favorite memories are in Havasupai and the main part of the Grand Canyon. I love those places!!!

In late September (I think) of 2009, my first decent hike after surgery, I did a hike with a few friends from church. We did a hike in the White Tanks. I'd done exercise on a treadmill, but hadn't really hiked more than a few times at North Mountain, but felt like I'd do okay, after all my body just knew how to hike, right? While the company was great and I was shocked that the White Tanks were actually a mountain range =), it just wasn't the same. There were moments that I enjoyed the hiking part, but there were so many more times that I didn't. The more it heated up outside the more miserable I got.

Which is a really long way of getting to today. I got up to hike this morning, not quite as early as I'd wanted to, but sleep is lacking and I actually was getting pretty good sleep so I left a couple hours later than planned. I went to Thunderbird to do 3-4 miles. I'd love to say that I was prepared for what happened, but I wasn't. I just didn't enjoy it. Not one minute of it! It was hot (only 80, why can't my body still not handle that?) I kept thinking, "I used to love this?", "I hope I can get that back". It's just harder than it used to be and because I don't love it as much I don't do it as much and because I don't do it as much it is harder and so I enjoy it even less. Before, even when I was in really bad shape, I didn't hate it, I wasn't miserable. Today as I came back down, only doing half of what I wanted because it was simply too hot and my body was freaking out, I couldn't help feeling emotional for losing a love for something that played a HUGE part of my life. It almost feels like I had something taken away from me. Something that was big and important and something I did as much as possible before all the crappy stuff started to happen. I couldn't help feeling loss.

Now, don't think I'm just going to give up. With anything loved and lost, you want it back. I want it back. I'm really not sure if it is just a state of mind due to all the difficult experiences that I've had while hiking in the last few years. I'm just not sure. There are many things in life that I haven't enjoyed, yet I still pushed through them. The hard part is that the hotter it gets out the more I'll have to wait to see once it cools down again after a long, long summer. I want to do Rim to Rim again and I want to enjoy it this time. I want the Grand Canyon to have good memories. I love the Grand Canyon, I just don't love how awful it was to get out the last two times. Oh to feel as good as I did in 2004, when hiking was easy and my body just knew what to do and didn't get punished for it. Not that I haven't enjoyed hiking like I did in 2004, but that was when it was at the easiest. Some day. Some day it will be that easy again, if it kills me. I mean, I don't want it to kill me, I won't let it kill me, but I do want it bad. I suppose I, like many people, feel a little sad that their addiction is gone. Hiking doesn't have to be an addiction, but I want it to be loved again and most importantly, enjoyed.

I hope this post doesn't make everyone think they should never invite me to hike again. I know my limits. I'd never put myself or anyone else in a position that was of risk to any one's life. I learned a hard lesson over the past few years and life is worth living, even if it means never hiking again. I simply didn't know there was an issue, or I wouldn't have done it then either. I may strive for things that people think I shouldn't, but in the end I wouldn't do anything if I thought it wouldn't turn out good. I've been embarrassed enough for a lifetime, trust me. I've learned it is okay to back out if something doesn't feel right, even if it makes me look like a flake. People shouldn't judge people, because no matter a persons reason, it must be best for them. Not everything people do is selfish. I understand that what might be good for me might not be good for another. That is okay, I'm letting it be okay. Time will heal all, or at least I hope it will. Honestly, I'm a bit afraid to do a long hike again, especially the Grand Canyon, because if it is as miserable as the last couple times, I'm afraid I'd never, never do it again. I hope there comes a time when I do the Grand Canyon again...and enjoy it! Oh to dream!

What a difference a year makes...April 2009.