Own Who You Are

"There is an old man up ahead, you may not know who he is, but he is you grown old." (paraphrasing)Brother Giles, my Institute Director, used to say that quite often and I love it. (I think he may have gotten it from someone else or from a story, but I've never been able to figure it out for sure.)  It is referring to the person we will become based on our experiences, but most importantly our decisions and choices on how we will react to those experiences. Who will I become? Who will you become? Do we like the "old man" we are becoming? If not, at any time we can change our direction. 

I've been thinking a lot recently about who I am, who I used to be, who I've become and who I'm becoming. There are things I like about the changes that I've made and there are things that I don't.  I'm not perfect. I've never pretended to be perfect and I think I'm pretty good at putting forth who I am. There will be times that you won't see the whole me, if you do or have, you are one SPECIAL person because I have to feel EXTREMELY comfortable to take ALL the walls down, not because I'm pretending to be someone else, because the parts you see will be REAL. I recently was at a church meeting and a friend ask me how I was and my response that day was, "Okay". They said, "JUST okay?". "Yes, JUST okay." I've had some rough times this past year and especially that week and honestly saying "okay" was about as good as it was going to get.  Another friend that was nearby cut in and responded, "That is what we love about Nilda, she is always honest." I really appreciated that. I took it as a compliment, which is what I think it was meant to be. This person definitely doesn't have the wool pulled over his eyes and has seen me at some pretty low places and to know he thinks of me as "always honest"...I don't think you could say something that would mean much more to me than that. My normal response when life is great would be "wonderful", but I wasn't wonderful and wasn't going to pretend I was wonderful. 

Which gets me to what has been on my mind today.

Own who you are.  Who you are is who you are and don't pretend you are someone you are not.  People are ever changing and who you are will change, for good or bad, but no matter WHO you are at any present moment, let that be who you portray yourself to be.  I've never looked down on someone who said sincerely, "I'd really like to be a better person."  There have been some pretty amazing people that I've heard say this. I think we should all want that for ourselves, our families, our church, our friends and for the strangers that one day will be.  Why wouldn't we want to be better?  None of us are perfect.  But whomever you are, be that person and own it, even if it is while striving to be the person you WANT to someday be.

Own your words. There is a CD on communication from Dr. John L. Lund, For All Eternity, that I absolutely LOVE.  I would recommend EVERYONE listen to this, not just married people.  One of the things he talks about is owning your words.  Say what you mean and don't make people read between the lines and interpret.  That we need to get rid of hints and that making people figure out what we really mean isn't fair and really isn't good for any relationship (not just the ones between man and wife).  I strive to do just that. to say what I mean and for the most part I think I do pretty good at this, BUT recently I had an experience where maybe I used the wrong words, or phrase.  I re-learned a BIG lesson.  I made the comment to someone that I had a love hate relationship with one of my young women that was there (and I knew she was there).  I probably have used this phrase 5 times in my life (if that) and am not sure why I chose to use those words at this time.  I knew what I meant.  I meant that I loved her and at times I didn't feel like she loved me. (I am however her leader and sometimes leaders aren't the most popular) That individual thought I meant I hated them (or so I've been told). This is a young woman that I have spent COUNTLESS hours praying for, pondering how to help, fasting for, counseling with my leaders about and trying to better understand. I cannot count the tears that I've shed for her. How could she think I hated her? It still blows my mind a little, but that isn't the point of this post. I WASN'T owning my words and I chose to use a phrase that isn't commonly used and especially not with teenagers. I chose the wrong words and they were misunderstood.  What was I thinking?  Honestly I was thinking there was NO WAY she could take it wrong. NO WAY!  I won't repeat that mistake again. If you ever hear me say that phrase again, remind me it isn't the best one to choose. I do however try to always say what I mean, even if it isn't the most popular thing. There is NOTHING wrong with being honest...NOTHING.

Own your actions.  If you mess up, fix it.  If you wrong someone and know about it, apologize. Sit down, discuss it and resolve it, it could just be miscommunication or a misunderstanding. Don't just hope it blows over. Do things ever REALLY blow over if they are left unresolved? Seriously, if you know of any please fill me in, I'd love to hear about them. How people wonder why things get brought up from the past baffles me.  Do you think maybe, just maybe, it is because they were left UNRESOLVED and still hurt deep down for that person.  I'm not talking about the good happy memories that are brought up, I'm talking about the hard, ugly, harsh ones. Deal with it people...we are all adults (or will be one day).

Own the consequences.  Every choice has a consequence, good or bad, and that is how it is meant to be. When you have wronged someone or said something that was offensive, don't justify it. You aren't doing yourself or anyone else any favors. I just hope that at the times where I've wronged someone and didn't know about it, that they themselves would give me the opportunity to right the situation. To talk it through and talk about the misunderstanding. That is where I feel cheated.

Own your beliefs. Whatever they are, own them. You don't have to shout them from the rooftop or get on your soap box, but when asked about them, share them. You shouldn't be embarrassed about your beliefs, if you are you should think about getting some new ones.. =)

I'm not sure this post is going to win me any friends and honestly that isn't the reason I'm writing it. I just needed to get it off my chest and put it into words to work through it. That is the largest reason I blog, to put things down so I can resolve them in MY head and put me one step closer to moving on. If I'm not ready to put something out there, then I won't blog about it (which is why I haven't blogged much in the past year.) This post isn't directed specifically towards any one person, you can say it is a few experiences that brought me to this post. If I have offended anyone in this post, that was not my intention. I apologize upfront for being honest.

"Sometimes it takes everything in our power to do the right thing, to be the bigger person.  In that moment, if you can do it, you win the most important battle, the one within yourself." (Nilda, June 2010) I feel like I did that many times in the past week. Today probably being the biggest one. A friend gave me some great advice and said, "Just read your scriptures...". I believe that the biggest battles are usually the ones fought within ourselves. I have never regretted doing the right thing or being the bigger person, when I've managed to do it. I repeat...I am not perfect. I don't pretend to be, I don't say I am and I will never be while I'm on this earth. I do however STRIVE to be better and do the right thing. I sometimes fail and that is okay, that is what the Atonement is for.